It may seem right now that I'm jumping into the middle of my story, but I have to get it down. I need to pour out my heart. Today I am going in for a surgical procedure I hoped to never experience. I have a D&E scheduled for this afternoon. Last week Wednesday I went in for a normal 16-week OB appointment. We were supposed to check in, listen to the heartbeat, talk about the quad screen and ask any other questions that had come up since we'd been in the last time. Things changed once we tried to find the heartbeat. Nurse number one gave it a try and told us not to worry, she only fills in part time and isn't the best at finding the heartbeat. She couldn't find it. She said she would get someone else. Another nurse came in to give it a try. The Dr. came in right behind her. The second nurse tried for a few seconds, nothing. The Dr. gave it a try...nothing. At this point they decided to see If I could be squeezed into the ultrasound schedule. So we were shuttled off to wait by the ultrasound tech. Standing and waiting the sense of dread, anxiety and fear began to creep in. I have been here before I thought to myself. Only this isn't supposed to be happening this time. This baby is going to make it. We are going to have this one.
The ultrasound tech took us into the room. Started to take a look. It all happened way too quickly. She pulled up baby on the screen, I couldn't see the flicker of the heart. She moved off the baby very quickly. Apparently she couldn't see the flicker either. She took some measurements. My mind was reeling. I believe she had even told us at that point. "I'm sorry I don't see a heartbeat. I need to get some measurements." I couldn't believe this was happening again. John told me yesterday that she did put the baby back on the screen once again to check the heart again and he didn't see the flicker of the heart. But I don't feel like I really was able to see it, which is why I keep thinking to myself...Maybe they made a mistake. Should I ask them to check again? The ultrasound tech went and got the doctor, she sat with us for a minute and then asked us if we would like to go back to the Dr.'s office.
So 8 months later I end up in the same Dr.'s office listening to them tell me the same thing. They are so sorry this has happened again. And now we will be doing some testing some investigating to see why this has happened again.
I have met with the Dr performing my procedure. She also performed my D&C back in December when we first walked this valley of miscarriage. She is a great doctor, very personable and very supportive. I really liked her, just hoped we really would never need to meet again. But here we are.
Last week Friday John and I met with this Dr. she explained the procedure and she took plenty of time with us to discuss hypothetical answers to why this is happening. Talk about what we want to find out. Talk about if we want to try again what road we should go.
I went in yesterday for the procedure needed before the D&E. The Dr. placed laminaria in my cervix to help it to soften and dilate. It was painful and not fun. I just laid there thinking, "Maybe they should check just one more time for the heartbeat, maybe they just missed it. This isn't supposed to be happening. This isn't how this pregnancy was supposed to end." We were supposed to bring home a beautiful, healthy baby in January. A baby to hug, kiss and cuddle. A baby to introduce to two very excited big brothers.
But here we are. The day that I am going in to have this angel taken from my body. It's just not supposed to be happening. I had plans, I had dreams. Why? Why God? Why did You let this happen to us again? Please show us where you are in all this. Please walk with us through this and lead us these next few weeks help us to understand what you want next for our family.
