This isn't supposed to be happening...

It may seem right now that I'm jumping into the middle of my story, but I have to get it down. I need to pour out my heart. Today I am going in for a surgical procedure I hoped to never experience. I have a D&E scheduled for this afternoon. Last week Wednesday I went in for a normal 16-week OB appointment. We were supposed to check in, listen to the heartbeat, talk about the quad screen and ask any other questions that had come up since we'd been in the last time. Things changed once we tried to find the heartbeat. Nurse number one gave it a try and told us not to worry, she only fills in part time and isn't the best at finding the heartbeat. She couldn't find it. She said she would get someone else. Another nurse came in to give it a try. The Dr. came in right behind her. The second nurse tried for a few seconds, nothing. The Dr. gave it a try...nothing. At this point they decided to see If I could be squeezed into the ultrasound schedule. So we were shuttled off to wait by the ultrasound tech. Standing and waiting the sense of dread, anxiety and fear began to creep in. I have been here before I thought to myself. Only this isn't supposed to be happening this time. This baby is going to make it. We are going to have this one.
The ultrasound tech took us into the room. Started to take a look. It all happened way too quickly. She pulled up baby on the screen, I couldn't see the flicker of the heart. She moved off the baby very quickly. Apparently she couldn't see the flicker either. She took some measurements. My mind was reeling. I believe she had even told us at that point. "I'm sorry I don't see a heartbeat. I need to get some measurements." I couldn't believe this was happening again. John told me yesterday that she did put the baby back on the screen once again to check the heart again and he didn't see the flicker of the heart. But I don't feel like I really was able to see it, which is why I keep thinking to myself...Maybe they made a mistake. Should I ask them to check again? The ultrasound tech went and got the doctor, she sat with us for a minute and then asked us if we would like to go back to the Dr.'s office.
So 8 months later I end up in the same Dr.'s office listening to them tell me the same thing. They are so sorry this has happened again. And now we will be doing some testing some investigating to see why this has happened again.
I have met with the Dr performing my procedure. She also performed my D&C back in December when we first walked this valley of miscarriage. She is a great doctor, very personable and very supportive. I really liked her, just hoped we really would never need to meet again. But here we are.
Last week Friday John and I met with this Dr. she explained the procedure and she took plenty of time with us to discuss hypothetical answers to why this is happening. Talk about what we want to find out. Talk about if we want to try again what road we should go.
I went in yesterday for the procedure needed before the D&E. The Dr. placed laminaria in my cervix to help it to soften and dilate. It was painful and not fun. I just laid there thinking, "Maybe they should check just one more time for the heartbeat, maybe they just missed it. This isn't supposed to be happening. This isn't how this pregnancy was supposed to end." We were supposed to bring home a beautiful, healthy baby in January. A baby to hug, kiss and cuddle. A baby to introduce to two very excited big brothers.
But here we are. The day that I am going in to have this angel  taken from my body. It's just not supposed to be happening. I had plans, I had dreams. Why? Why God? Why did You let this happen to us again? Please show us where you are in all this. Please walk with us through this and lead us these next few weeks help us to understand what you want next for our family.

2011 Verse of the Week 3 {{ Lamentations 3:22-23}}

Little Thoughts verse of the week is actually Lamentations 3:23, but i included verse 22 also since I took my verse from the New King James Version.

Sorry, it didn't seem to scan very well. The part of these verses i treasure is that his compassion and mercy are new every morning. I get to start over every morning.

2011 Verse of the Week 2 {{Isaiah 40:31}}

I've decided to start posting to the blog more and i found this cute little blog Little Thoughts. She is hosting a verse of the week, she has picked a verse for each week through July for now and we can join in my reading the verse then posting about it and giving our take on it. This week is Isaiah 40:31.

Keep trusting the Lord he will not leave you! Good reminder for me right now.

Head on over to Little Thoughts and join in.

What's on Your Nightstand

I missed September's Nightstand, so i'm jumping back in for October. From my last post in August I Shepherding a Child's Heart, The Christian Mom's Idea Book, The Time Traveler's Wife on CD, it was a very good book, but there is no way i could have stuck with it, chasing after the boys. In September I finished up Strong Women Soft Hearts and tried to read Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels, but only was able to get partway into it before it had to go back to the library. I also listened to Strawberry Shortcake Murder on CD. All were really great books.   Shepherding a Child's Heart has a lot of notes and underlining in it, i will be going back to it over and over again. Strong Women Soft Hearts was also a great book with lots of underlining that i will be going back to time and time again.
So on my nightstand for this coming month are the following.


Bringing Up Boys - James Dobson - I've read a few more chapters in this one. I don't know how long it will take me to get through it, I'm doing a lot of underlining and making notes.
Dear John - Nicholas Sparks
Nights in Rodanthe - Nicholas Sparks - I would really like to see both of these movies and i always love to read the books before seeing the movies. 
Where Do I Go? - Neta Jackson
Who Do I Talk To? - Neta Jackson - I loved the Yada Yada Prayer Group series. Hope these are just as good.
The Physik Book of Deliverance Dane - Katherine Howe - Picked this one up on a whim, not even sure what its really about or if its any good. But we'll see.

I went to the library to pick up Dear John and as you can see from my list it was a big mistake, once i'm there i just can't help piling up the books. Most of them aren't even on my Fall Into Reading List, oops. Head on over to 5 Minutes for Books and see what others have on their nightstands for this month.

This week in Courtney's Fall Challenge she's asking us to focus on peaceful words and maintaining peaceful relationships. The challenge is to play soft music in your home and avoid anger, tattling, criticism, back-talk, etc.

A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

 Head over to Women Living Well if you would like to join in on the challenge.

Making Your Home a Haven Fall Challenge

I came across Courtney's Fall Challenge today and thought it sounded like a great fit for what i've been feeling lately. So i'm going to go ahead and join in. Reading through her post was definitley enlightening for me. She listed out characteristics of two different homes. Home number one, which is our home. This doesn't show me in a very good light, but i'm being honest and i know i need to work on some of this. I am distant at times, i love to bury myself in my books or tv or sometimes its not even stuff i really enjoy that i distance myself with, housework, laundry, cooking, preparing for something else coming up. I'm distracted, i always feel like there is too much to do, not enough time and we are always late and rushing around to get out of the house. Crabby, um yeah, guilty. Discontent, i've been working on this a lot lately, trying to make myself think of things in a different light, but i still have a ways to go. Doesn't pray, guilty again, i try sometimes but i don't think i do it enough and sometimes i wait too long.
What i'm going to be striving for so that our home is a haven.
1. Be engaged - aware of what's going on, be there if someone needs praise, correction, encouragement, love.
2. Better time management - not cram so much into a day, making sure we are better prepared for the day/week/month. (Guess this means i should get through that mountain of ironing i have, and put away all those clean clothes.)
3. Having a pleasant demeanor - getting enough rest, being patient with my season of life. Work diligently, trusting God with the results of my labor.
4. Content - nothing is perfect, be content and thankful for what God has given me today.
5. Pray - depend completely upon God to provide all that i need to fulfill all my roles. Mother, wife, friend, employee.

The first part of the challenge was to buy a big candle light it everyday and say a prayer for a peaceful home whenever the flickering light catches your eye. So today i lit a candle at my desk and said repeated prayers for peace in my home. Head over to Women Living Well if you would like to join in on the challenge.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.  Proverbs 14:1

Fall Into Reading 2010 Challenge

The Fall into Reading Challenge starts today from Callapidder Days. Its a low pressure challenge to try and get back into reading again. I was flying through books last Spring and then over the summer it sort of slowed down. Now i'm trying to go back and finish up several books i started but put down for one reason or another. There's a lot of non-fiction but right now that's what's interesting to me. But it does take me longer to get through a lot of those books. So anyway here's my list.

Books to Finish:
1. Bringing Up Boys - James Dobson
2. Soft Women, Strong Hearts - Paula Rinehart
3. The New Strong-Willed Child - James Dobson
4. Master Your Metabolism - Jillian Michaels
5. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (on CD)

Non-Fiction on my list
1. Crazy Love - Francis Chan
2. Understanding Exposure - Bryan Peterson
3. One in a Million - Priscilla Shirer
4. Dancing with My Father - Sally Clarkson
5. Captivating - John & Stasi Eldredge
6. Effective Parenting in a Defective World - Chip Ingram
7. Cure for the Common Life - Max Lucado
8. Everyday Talk - John Younts

Fiction
1. Strawberry Shortcake Murder - Joanne Fluke
2. Blueberry Muffin Murder - Joanne Fluke
3. Lemon Meringue Pie Murder - Joanne Fluke
4. Fudge Cupcake Murder - Joanne Fluke
5. The Wedding Officer - Anthony Capella
6. When Crickets Cry - Charles Martin
7. Dear John - Nicholas Sparks
8. The Last Song - Nicholas Sparks

Wow 21 books, that might be stretching it, but we'll see how far i get, if i could finish up all the books i'm in the middle of right now and read a couple extra i'd be very happy with that. If you're interested in the challenge head over to Callapidder Days and link up or just check out everyone else's lists. Have a great day!